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Archive for Funny Stuff

Shhhhhhhhh

Sun, Jul 12th, 2009 | Funny Stuff No Comments

While I was out shopping the other day (actually, more accurate would be…while I was out holding shopping bags and trying my best to look interested the other day), ~~I was forced to spend time~~ I visited a shop that had some sort of sale going on…some thing or another that originally cost Yen 1995 was selling at a special price of two for Yen 3150 (Can you tell how emotionally invested I was in the shopping process?).

khush

Somewhat curious, but more concerned about devising a subtle but effective strategy for minimising my time holding said shopping bags, I didn’t give it much thought…until a few minutes later, when I noticed another sign at a nearby retail establishment, whose oddly familiar name seemed to suggest a preference for keeping things quiet:

store

A bit of quick math and I understood why.

The second outlet (Hushush), offering discounts of 30% to 50%, was clearly undercutting the first outlet (Khush Khush), as the first outlet’s two for Yen 3150 amounted to a measly 21% off.

Obviously, Hushush didn’t want Khush Khush to catch on to its competitive advantage.

Mum’s the word.

How I Tricked A Sea Lion

Sat, Jun 20th, 2009 | Funny Stuff, Marine Life 111 Comments

In the process of looking through images for an article, I came across this photograph, which I haven’t posted or published before. It’s an Australian sea lion (Neophoca cinerea) that I met last year.

sea lion

If you’re concerned about the fish-in-distress, don’t worry…it survived. Here’s the story:

While we were playing together, the sea lion dashed off and zig-zagged around the seabed, occasionally “looking over its shoulder”, so to speak, indicating for me to tag along.

Actually, we had been cavorting in the shallows for the better part of an hour by that point, so the sea lion most likely knew I would do my best to keep up, but it sure seemed like he turned back to check on me a few times.

After zipping around for a bit, he slammed on the brakes, shoved his face into a pile of seaweed, executed a pinpoint 180º turn and presented me with a fish…taking obvious pride in his find. I took a few photos, then indicated as best that I could that I didn’t need a snack, and I wasn’t particularly interested in holding the fish in my mouth.

He must have understood, because he let the fish go and looked at me with a puzzled, somewhat insulted, expression, as if asking: “What is wrong with you?”.

Meanwhile, the poor little fish tried to swim (actually…limp) away, but the sea lion would have none of it. He executed a quick flourish and re-captured it, once again presenting the despondent fish to me.

Once again, I deferred.

Once again, he questioned my sanity…as the fish made a desperate, but hopeless, dash for freedom.

Once again, he snagged the (now thoroughly exhausted) fish and offered it to me.

And yes…once again…I indicated “No, I am absolutely not going to chew on the fish, no matter how pretty it is.” this time, doing a flourish of my own accentuated by a couple of flips in the water…as an attempt to distract the persistent pinniped.

Fortunately for the fish, my little ruse worked. The ever-curious sea lion spit out the (now completely panicked, hyperventilating) fish, and swam over to check out why I was doing flips in the water.

…then, there was a “Wait a second…” moment (picture light bulb over Elmer Fudd’s head), when the sea lion looked at me, looked back at where he’d left the fish, and realised that he’d just been duped.

In far less than the blink of an eye, he was back to where his catch had been, but by then, the little fish had managed to disappear into a morass of seaweed.

The sea lion made a complete mess of the seaweed in an attempt to relocate his prey/ toy, but in the end, he stopped looking and gave me the cold shoulder..until of course, I did a few more flips in the water and he zipped right over to play again.

The point of the story? Somewhere out there is a fish that owes me.

Signs

Tue, Apr 7th, 2009 | Funny Stuff 4 Comments

l’m not entirely certain when, how or why I developed this penchant…but I enjoy looking at signs. Billboards, shop signs, posters…anything that’s intended to communicate a message.

It’s particularly entertaining in Japan, where the message actually communicated often differs from the message (probably) intended.

Take this example, from an upscale beauty place in a mall:

beauty shop

I shudder to imagine what the purpose or effect of subjecting customers to pure fumes could be.

Or this one, which is from a clothing store close to the beauty-oriented fumigation shop:

ciao sign

The best I could figure is that once fumigated, flustered customers would want to say goodbye in a hurry.

Tokyo Toilet

Tue, Mar 31st, 2009 | Funny Stuff No Comments

In the course of my travels, I often run across things that cause me to pause and reflect. Take this toilet in Tokyo’s Narita international airport for example.

Narita is a terrible airport. It’s too far from the city. The operating hours are too restricted. The layout isn’t user-friendly. It’s expensive. Basically, it sucks.

But…despite the many deficiencies of this airport, the officials in charge seem to have invested substantial thought and effort into one core competency that all airports should pay more attention to…namely, sanitising smelly travellers.

This is a set of instructions for operating a public toilet in Narita. If you read the sign, you’ll see that this shows you how to use the toilet, specifically how to use the “Equipment to cleansing the buttocks with warm water.”

toilet sign

There are multilingual instructions for “Washing the rear” and “Rear washing stopped”, along with a helpful diagram on how to fine-tune water pressure…presumably so you don’t inadvertently injure sensitive areas with too vigourous an ablution.

The true value of this unique amenity for travellers, however, must lie in the “Extra deodrizing” function of the “Powerful Deodorizer”, which provides “Increased absorption strength for removing odors.”

I, of course, didn’t require the extra-strength help. Regular strength was sufficient.

toilet sign

Heck If I Know

Wed, Feb 4th, 2009 | Funny Stuff 2 Comments

I met someone yesterday with this on his sweatshirt. I have no idea what it means, except that the acts of swallowing and spreading out are somehow involved.

shirt

Bruce Lee’s Japanese Brother

Sat, Jan 24th, 2009 | Funny Stuff 4 Comments

bluce lee

No Clue

Fri, Dec 26th, 2008 | Funny Stuff No Comments

I see all sorts of strange wording on shirts, signs, and such around Japan. For the most part, I’m inured to the contortions of vocabulary and don’t take much notice, but every once in a while, I can’t help but scratch my head and wonder what’s up.

Can anyone venture a guess as to what this sign (above a restaurant) is intended to mean?

sign

What Kids Know About the Ocean

Thu, Nov 6th, 2008 | Funny Stuff No Comments

A friend emailed this to me. I searched around, and found that it’s been posted a few times around the net. I’m not sure if it’s genuine (I can’t find any references to an original source), or if it’s the product of an adult with a lot of spare time, but it’s funny.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island . If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne , age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8 )

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9. I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write (Amy, age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers at night. (Christopher, age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8 )

13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Level 4.5

Tue, Jun 3rd, 2008 | Funny Stuff No Comments

From an elevator in Fortune Town in Bangkok. I was tempted to take a look on Level 4.5, but decided not to risk getting stuck in limbo.

elevator

Top 10 Differences Between Lenses and Love

Thu, Nov 1st, 2007 | Equipment, Technique, Funny Stuff, Musings No Comments

While searching for an article on one of my hard disks, I came across a long-forgotten folder submerged in the depths of the “organisation” system on my computer. Among the bits and pieces in the folder was this Top 10 list I barely remember writing.

Top 10 Differences Between Lenses and Love
10. You can sell a lens you don’t want anymore
9. It’s ok to swap lenses with a friend
8. You can always change your lens size
7. Lenses come with a warranty
6. You won’t get into trouble for admiring someone else’s lens
5. You can try a lens before buying it
4. You can keep more than one lens at home
3. Lenses like being kept in the dark
2. You can send a defective lens in for repairs
1. Lenses don’t perform well when wet

I really must put my creative energy to more productive use.

Weight Watchers Whale Workout

Thu, Aug 16th, 2007 | Funny Stuff, Musings 5 Comments

whales People always seem to be looking for innovative and fun new ways of keeping fit.

Based on my experiences over the past few days, I’ve come up with a new fitness and weight-control programme that’s bound to outdo Atkins and all those fad diet plans.

The basic steps are:

Wake up, eat as much of anything as you want.
Go out to sea on a small boat for an all-day abs, butt and leg workout by keeping
your balance while being tossed around by waves, random swells and sudden gusts of wind.
Find and swim at high-speed with up to 10 cavorting whales for a couple of kilometres in high seas.
Throw up.
Repeat until you pass out.
Eat as much of anything as you want ~~when~~ if you recover.

Do this three times a week, and you’ll be in the best shape of your life.

I Want My Superglue

Tue, Aug 7th, 2007 | Funny Stuff, Musings, Places, Adventures 4 Comments

crack Recall that on my journey to Tonga the kind authorities in New Zealand confiscated my superglue, on the notion that somehow superglue in my hands is a lethal weapon. Drats…I failed to conceal my top-secret training in international subterfuge.

Anyway, since arriving in Tonga, my sunglasses have broken. I tried melting the plastic frame back together with a soldering iron. That quick-fix held for two days before disintegrating. Superglue might or might not have done the trick, but I would like to have been able to try.

I ended up investing in another pair of cheap sunglasses instead, which I’ll no doubt destroy in some truly creative and diabolical fashion before the trip is over.

Then yesterday, when I jumped into the midst of a heat run, I kept getting a mouthful of water when I breathed in. With high seas, deep water and energetic whales, this wasn’t an ideal situation. Try as I might, I couldn’t clear the water.

tape Back on the boat, I discovered that my snorkel had cracked wide open. The basic idea behind a snorkel is to let air in and keep water out. So having an enormous crack largely undermines the value of a having snorkel at all.

Again, sans superglue, I’ve had to improvise, using my all-purpose electrician’s tape. This tape has held my camera housing together before in previous emergency-repair situations, so I reasoned that it should be ok for my split-snorkel too.

Tomorrow, we’ll see if my handyman skills did the trick or not.

Meanwhile, I take comfort in knowing that the world is a safer place with my superglue securely in the hands of the ever-vigiliant Auckland airport authorities.